My midnight father

When I was little, I had terrible ear aches.  For two years, throbbing pain.  Like a demon heart crawled into my ears to thump thump thump. And I would cry.  Even then, I wasn't one of those girls.  I would fall, scrape my knee and laugh.  I would break my wrist and finish the game, then play three more.  So when I cried, my parents knew.  There was a lot they didn't know then.  That they don't know now.  Demon hearts crawling into my head, they knew about but my older brother crawling into my bed, they did not.  My ears hurt mostly at night.  It kept me from sleeping.  My parent's room was below mine and my Dad would hear me crying.  He would come in, scoop me up, give me my medicine and then rock me to sleep.  He would rock me gently and tell me stories.  My head pressed to his chest, tears and pain still wracking my five year old body.  And he just held me and told me the stories that made up of his life.  Gently rocking, gently talking.  The low timber of his voice moving around the pain.  The medicine did nothing for my ears, it was essentially codeine, but it would, eventually put me to sleep.  My father would wrap me up with love.  And for those precious moments I would just be a little girl in my dad's arms.  Not a little girl with secrets or fucked up ears.  No demons in my head or in my bed. Just safe, and loved.  My dad doesn't know this now.  Now, he doesn't really know anything.  His brain has deteriorated to the point that his loved ones are his enemies in a war he never served in.  I did tell him.  I did.  I told him before all this, before Lewy Body's ate his ability to remember that pee goes in toilets not in shoes.  I told him this, my purest memory of me & my dad.  And how much it meant to me then.  And how much it means to me right now.  Now as I rock my own self to sleep.  The nights when demons crawl into my head and whisper.  My ears are good now.  I even make a living with them.  My parents finally jumped through every hoop their insurance threw at them and got me to a specialist who cured me with a balloon, a cup of water, and a squirt of air.  Turns out the only dainty part of my body is my cute little inner ear but like every other part of me, it's different and doesn't function the way everyone else's does.  The specialist taught me how to prevent the pain from ever happening again.  And even then, after I was cured of one demon.  I could still wake my dad in the middle of the night after nightmares or sickness or just needing him.  Needing to hear his voice and his stories.  Needing to just be that little girl with no secrets. There is so much about him, things I never wanted to be like.  Now as I struggle to learn how to dance I blame part of it on the genetics of my father.  But this, this gift he gave me.  I love.  I cherish.  And I hope above all things that I can greet my loved ones when they are in pain and bring them comfort and peace, to bring them a moment where they too can just be.

Preach

"It takes a long time sometimes to realize that a girl who loves your love doesn’t necessarily love you"   - Heather Hogan (Jan 16, 2014)



I realized
I could never have what I thought I wanted
So
I changed my thoughts
about what I wanted
I want joy, now
 I want to Enjoy Now
so now
I think joy
and my days
my moments
i feel it
no longer tortured
by thoughts of
why
what did I do wrong?
why do you hide from me?
why do you make those promises?
only to break them

NOW
Just loving
what IS
instead of lamenting
what WAS, what Could
 whatever

 enjoying today

 and all the love it truly contains

my cup overfloweth

4:51 AM

where do you go

when i frighten you away

you see anger coursing through my veins?

i see bricks i am unpacking

you think i'll throw them at you
but they aren't for you
or from you

i'm unpacking

i don't want to drop them on your toes

or burden you with their weight

you two inspire me

to lighten my load

lighter and lighter

till i float
but not away
just free

free of bricks

does my shadow move differently to you?

Do I offer love while my shadow declares war?

what do you see?

what you say I feel, i don't

it doesn't mean i can't hear you

i just mean, no love
if you peek intto my heart

then stay for the whole show

maybe it seems like anger

when you can't see the third act

but here, inside me

it's warm with love

not hot with anger

sometimes there is anger,

sometimes there is frustration

but I don't stay there

I don't take a bath in it

I don't marinate in it

I'm trying

trying to move forward and away
searching for other feels

timidly hopeful feels

and

whenever we

the three
are together

i am a sponge

soak yous up

and do my best to not hurt my sacred yous
with old bricks

just tender touches

with timidly hopeful fingertips

so wherever you are

wherever you go

please know

i miss you

i love you

sometimes i'm clumsy

sometimes i'm deaf

sometimes i'm lame

and a lot of times i don't understand and i need you desperately to explain things to me

but i'm always
going to TRY

the fear of fucking up

what happens if i run out

what if this waterfall of hope
dries out

suddenly

what if I can't pick him up
the next time

and there will be a next time

these seizures
these body quakes

these brain fuckers

mind melters

Its like a glacier that melts and releases all his insecurities all at once

it blinds him to truth

makes him desperate

makes him mean
and lonely

vulnerable

and vicious

all at once

what if I can't find the purest sweetest memory of what he truly is

what if I can't show him right when he needs it most

if i can't

he's dead

my world is shattered

and the whole world loses a beautiful soul without ever saying thank you

Prayer to Eros

Let my scars teach me
Not jade me
Not blind me

Let me see truth
With my heart
Help me extinguish self doubt
Deny mind worms
That whisper in my ear

Let me believe
In new beginnings
In hope
In love
In US

Help me be the best me I can be

Rain girl

She seemed to walk between the raindrops.  Those same drops that assaulted my skin.   I stood there in awe as she spun sending her coat tails flaring.  She was free.  I thought of all the times I had used that word when in fact I was describing something burdened.  This was the correct ‘free’, unleashed, even.  I watched her and made a conscious effort to remember each lucid movement.  It was as if everything had slowed down, just a bit, even the rain.  I could no longer feel the abusive water on my neck.  I wished for a camera, that a picture would capture this, these, moments better than my feeble words.  Pictures can capture feelings.  My thesaurus gives me ‘free’.  Perhaps it was that simple.  She there with her face turned to the heavens, singing ‘rain drops on roses and whiskers on kittens’.  I could still feel the burden of eyes.  We made our way down the street, me behind her.  People in windows had the same awkward reaction as I.  They smile, chuckle a bit, and point out their amusement to a friend, while deep inside they long for that willingness to shed these rules that will forever hold us back.  I have played that game.  I play this game everyday in my head.  I dread who I will encounter each day, because I despise the player I become around them.  But she… She is who I wish to be, to achieve that careless wisp.  That smile that appears from nowhere.  I’ve had it.  I was so stunned I tried to hold it back.  But it is irrepressible.  Maybe some day it will swell up inside me and burst on an evening such as this.  The smile will capture my lips forever and I will sing show tunes and not give a damn what anyone else thinks. But today, rather tonight, I will walk steadily behind, a witness to her radiance.
Summer 1999
(I wrote it after hearing that song “beautiful” by Joydrop)

not a real red head

May 3rd, 2003

You used to let me in
to press the petals
and pass the wine
in your garden of thoughts
moments of shadow, despair,
and light
in the flash of a bloody past
resorting to old habits
cultivating walls
I can’t see how you move
or what thoughts transgress
I find myself mourning
midnights
    of stars + ponds
    laughter + intimacy
    Where do you go in your
    search
    not me
    hopefully, mostly, maybe you.

Is this my destiny?
How did I get so far away
from who I am
what have I become
Do cheaters always cheat
do victim’s always bleed
is the only comfort knowing
there are only so many more
deaths I could die
can desperation change this tide
show me the truth
take away these eyes
take away these lies
show me the truth


this is me.
the weekdays i hold together.
i hold the reins tightly with a clenched fist
and a white knuckle jaw
i fight back tears and convulsions
to get through my day
for my job
for the roof over my head
the weekend crashes into me
waves of red wine
waves of sorrow
tears everywhere
tears like blood
shed
this is my week
this is my month
this is my life
holding on and getting through
only to start over
this is me.
the weekdays i hold together.
i hold the reins tightly with a clenched fist
and a white knuckle jaw
i fight back tears and convulsions
to get through my day
for my job
for the roof over my head
the weekend crashes into me
waves of red wine
waves of sorrow
tears everywhere
tears like blood
shed
this is my week
this is my month
this is my life
holding on and getting through
only to

taste

I want to unearth you
delve into your subconscious
bathe in the warmth of
your smile
listen to you rattle
off memories
I find you
so wild & contagious
I want to feel your
mouth
the fullness of lips
the textures of tongues
the richness of hips
the softness
swerves and curves

Junior year

April 8, 2000 – at night on my couch avoiding a Philosophy paper that I never did do

She let out a long sigh
as she tried to put words to experiences
a whirl of a weekend
drained
she was drained but calling to console me
in my worried anxious state
all I had done was add to the burden her body felt
she asks me, do you know that yellow roses are a sign of friendship
red for passion
I had sent her both because I didn’t know exactly how I felt


I look at you and wonder what you see in me
passion in your eyes, but why
why do they adore me
how do I deserve this attention
I kiss you out of duty rather then desire
underlying fear smothers out passion
I can only be physical when I am drunk
I do things to satisfy you and cry when you leave
not because you are gone but because I am sober


My friend says I am searching for some lost piece
something was taken from me when I was little
she says that I think you have that piece
so I will travel miles
meet eat
and never find that piece
she says the answers inside me
not you


He says, you have these times when you’re quiet
why is that?
my reply – simple – I have nothing to say
or maybe I’ve slipped away
to some world
where I am finally free and beautiful
It is never equal
I either love too much and thus left for “too much”
or they love enough for two
their usefulness spent
cast aside for my next need
I have a boy
I will keep
I wonder what my motivation is
he looks at me so intensely
I like being a mystery
inside thoughts linger
he will meet the folks
so this summer
when I go dancing and flirt with girls
they will be reassured
that I am not gay
just drunk


I want to call you
let your voice set a trance
that relieves this pressure on my soul
to bleed
I want to escape these questions that burn
afraid answers will never come
I know I could stab myself right through my hand
I would enjoy the pain
dark hot enveloping
distracting from the questions that I can’t run from
anymore

You should run away
RIGHT NOW
run and never turn back
I only get uglier each layer the more you peel off
you will see to the heart of me
decaying writhing and dead
run

Shadows bounce on walls
flame flicker lick the wax slowly melts away to a core
golden glow warms
yet yields danger
warm and inviting
hot and trembling
touched and blistered
never to return again

I loathe myself
and so I worry that one day you will loathe me too
that you will see through whatever you have found
that was good
fruit that is rotten
***

staring back at my wake
all these pieces
I can’t exchange
choices beautiful
choices pain
I lost a lot back there
including you
I gained a lot through here
including her
I wouldn’t change a thing
‘cept I wonder about you
and your darkness
you always knew when I was crying

Aren’t we opposites
I bare my soul
you bare your body
if I want to see your soul
does that mean you want to see my body?

my little storm cloud - 2000

March 7, 2000 – 3 a.m.

I woke last night to torn stitches
she had been mended to my side
my hands searched in vain a pillow pulled tightly
my body misses what my mind never possessed.

 I used to wake sleep still lingering in my eyes
my lazy fingers caressed her naked back
she smelled of flowers and berries and sweetness
her weight upon me, her cheek nuzzled to my heart
casting away the hollowness
I told myself I didn’t love her
now feathers prick my fingers and I hate myself
for falling
She will never be held
      never be owned
       she will seduce and cast spells
       each victim desperately tightening their grasp
Only to let her slip through their fingers like sand

I sit here and study about friendship
my mind wanders to those times where friendship wasn’t enough
those hungry times where dreams led to feasting
to taste that passion that pulsed through your entire being
to be close enough to hear the whisper of your heart
to get lost in your body
those eyes

April ?, 2000 – Some directing lecture

she handed me a puzzle
and dared me to see
through her hieroglyphics
a message in my hand
and no decoder


I did not hand her my heart and say
“Please
handle with care
I only have one”
Instead I said,
“I will never leave you.”
Which somehow translates to:
“Here is my heart
please stab it many times with dull items so as to not only break it
but to make it a form of torture as well.”


Seeking answers to questions
that aren’t really questions
because they are just lines
I have walked before
answers I’ve found
but too busy wading in de Nial
to learn from them

1/22/99

succumb to your obsession
become stalkers of words
nit pick wildly
abandon criticism
seek

all it took was one song

broken

re broken

ripped open

seams so carefully stitched
closed with Kevlar

covered in callous

undone

beauty broke me open

now my insides sit before me

tears i don't have
still coming

a dam destroyed

fuck

hold it together
repatch it up

tape

paperclips

i can't keep going like i never saw it

i can't keep numb like i never heard it

how can something so soft

tear me to shreds
disintegrated

piece by bloody piece

all of me on the floor
streaming

a puddle of tears

dried up tears
where did they all come from

how do I put myself back together

the pieces aren't pieces

they are molecules
and each one is exhausted

put what back together

why

a chord

a voice

that voice

penetrating so deep

past every wall

every lock

its every key all at once

all my boundaries blurred

it's like being haunted from the inside

Ssong 3-31-2010

I cut your hair
I slash your skin
I draw your blood
Cause to me
It feels like love

I draw and quarter you
I slash and burn you
I kick and kill you
Cause to me
It feels like love

I'm addicted
To your blood
It feels like love
Copper soft
Sticky hot
I suck you dry
It makes me high
To bring you down
hollow you out
Make you doubt
it feels like love

homework

A prayer for the caged blackbird
Please
Show me the way
Show me the way
I can't see
And its so cold here
So many people have seen my insides & walked away
I carry their rejection in my skin
Its so cold here
I don't know how to unweave
My stitches are the only thing holding me together

Blessed

I'm sorry
all I can ever do
is show you
how I see you
how you make me feel
it is a singular perspective
i wish i could get inside there
i wish i could do more
but at least
me being this way
makes me appreciate
you
and her
and you and her
even more
i have such respect
such awe for it all
and i'm glad you have someone
that could crawl inside there
instead of just telling you how
you look and feel
out here
you deserve
it ALL
and I'm so happy
and blessed
that you choose me
that you hold me
still

-coffee shop 2009

Cass

my cup overfloweth

you give me space

to grow
you give me time

to heal

you give me wisdom
in just the right dose so i listen and stop being so fucking stubborn

you give me love
when i least deserve it
you give me compassion

when I cannot see it

you give me peace

from my storms
you give me serenity

in war

you give me hope
in darkness

you give me light

in sorrow

you give me you
and my cup overfloweth

- Christmas 2013

Orpheus

My name is Orpheus

And I am brave enough

To face the underworld

I have charm enough

To bend Hades heart

My name is Orpheus

Do I have faith enough

To see us through

Cause I wasn't scared

Till I got in this tunnel

With you

Love sent me down here

It taught my tongue the words

Our tale a true one

Our love a true one too

My name is Orpheus

Do I have faith enough

To see us through

I know you're behind me

I know you're behind me

Then the darkness eats away

All the courage

All the brave

Cause I can't hear your foot falls

And I wasn't scared till

I got in this tunnel with you

There's no fear

when you have nothing to lose

Now I have to choose

Do I look back

Will you be there

Behind me dead men hiss

They tell me I'm wrong

Need just one kiss

To keep me strong

But no kisses

No hugs

No words

No sound

Just a promise in my pocket from before this hell

I choose to fight forward

Every step a choice

Because I know

At least he'll be free

But past that threshold

There's no guarantee

That he'll want me

I am Orpheus

You think you know my tale

But this time

I won't fail

- Spring 2013

Morning Mom

In the mornings is when I miss my mom the most. She wouldn't walk in, she would bound in. I am not a morning person, but she definitely is.  Our paths would cross early in the morning before she left for work and I for school.  She would dance and sing and talk to me while I tried to wipe the sleep from my brain.  My favorite was the morning of my birthdays.  She would pounce on me and sing a morning birthday song.  One that was all her own.  It was like waking up to the cutest puppy licking your cheek.  It was the greatest.  I would play like I wanted to sleep more and her laughter and her smiles and her tickles would infect me, would spread through me and would shine inside me for the rest of the day.  With a quick hop-skip-boop she would be out of my room and on to her next beat.  I would meet her again in the kitchen and this time she would offer me stillness.  A perfect hug.  The hug that reminded me, that whispers kindly in my ear "you are never alone, you are loved, and even when there's something in your heart that you aren't quite ready to talk about, I'm here whenever you need me."

So I sit here in an empty kitchen with a cup of tea and that stillness she gave me, is here inside me.  (The hop-skip-boop is inside me too, it just comes out later in the day)

I wonder how to pass it on to my own kids, and I wonder if they, like me, won't fully appreciate ALL of it till they are 33.