not a real red head

May 3rd, 2003

You used to let me in
to press the petals
and pass the wine
in your garden of thoughts
moments of shadow, despair,
and light
in the flash of a bloody past
resorting to old habits
cultivating walls
I can’t see how you move
or what thoughts transgress
I find myself mourning
midnights
    of stars + ponds
    laughter + intimacy
    Where do you go in your
    search
    not me
    hopefully, mostly, maybe you.

Is this my destiny?
How did I get so far away
from who I am
what have I become
Do cheaters always cheat
do victim’s always bleed
is the only comfort knowing
there are only so many more
deaths I could die
can desperation change this tide
show me the truth
take away these eyes
take away these lies
show me the truth


this is me.
the weekdays i hold together.
i hold the reins tightly with a clenched fist
and a white knuckle jaw
i fight back tears and convulsions
to get through my day
for my job
for the roof over my head
the weekend crashes into me
waves of red wine
waves of sorrow
tears everywhere
tears like blood
shed
this is my week
this is my month
this is my life
holding on and getting through
only to start over
this is me.
the weekdays i hold together.
i hold the reins tightly with a clenched fist
and a white knuckle jaw
i fight back tears and convulsions
to get through my day
for my job
for the roof over my head
the weekend crashes into me
waves of red wine
waves of sorrow
tears everywhere
tears like blood
shed
this is my week
this is my month
this is my life
holding on and getting through
only to