I used to be

I used to be

I listened to Sarah McLachlan for 3 years straight. Only her, only her albums.  I’m not sure how my roommates got through it.  They must have really cared for me deep down.  That music was like having my insides outside.  Like having dark crimson velvet all over.  I would sit and listen to her voice with the candles lit and I would revel in sadness and chocolate.   And wine.  I would write poems of longing and emptiness.  Now look at you.  You’ve got me writing love poems.

If I could go back

I would wrap that college lush up and tell her that true love does exist.  But not like Disney love.  Thank the gods.  And that she didn’t have to choose, she didn’t have to decide which she was more attracted too or which group she belonged to.  That the groups of Lesbians telling her to hate all  men and the groups of Straights telling her that she could never be one of them if she checked out that chick’s ass.  That it was okay to just love, to just be and to appreciate both was totally - completely - fine.  Maybe she would have drank less.  Maybe she would have hurt less.  Maybe she would have had comfort knowing that someday she’d find two people that were gorgeous inside and out - outside and in.   

Now

Now I find myself in a world that would have scared the hell out of me then.  I never wanted to live in a rural area.  I never wanted to have kids.  I never wanted to be “domesticated”.  Ever.  I never wanted to have boys.  I was so scared of everything, always.  Scared of fucking them up.  Scared of scaring them for life with my own bloody stapled wounds unraveling on them.  Scared of being with someone for so long that I would surely disappoint them. 

But I’m not

Scared.

Anymore.  Of anything - really.

And all those things that I couldn’t imagine ever working out - have.  And all those wounds that I thought were deep and endless.  Really aren’t.  I have learned only one thing. The only one thing I ever needed to know.

That everything that is broken

can heal

Including me.

Look at you.  You’ve got me writing love poems.

~ Vday-2010