something's turning in my heart. nate just left. i can feel his
fingertips tugging, trying to pull love out of friendship. i can feel him breaking. i want to brace him. i
want to cast his nightmares away. there's a lightning storm. it's so
strange without the rain. i wish i could tell him. i see it. the
miracle. the gold. the passion. it seems like their are so many
instances. moments that are almost perfect. almost. nate and i are
almost perfect. almost. i see in him so much and it's for someone else.
for i am poison. i already turned one good man bad. i'd be cheating him.
i know he deserves a lover, not a friend, and that's more then i could
give. he just doesn't know it yet. till then i can try to protect him.
and maybe he's poison for me somehow too, he smells like poison. he's
my friend and somehow his smell makes me want to nauseous to the very pit of my stomach.
then there are
those rare precious beautiful moments. they stand still in my memory.
they make my chest swell like the quake of thunder. suddenly aware of my
heart beat and every intake of breath. perfect. my first jewel concert. the future was
so certain. i could follow my dreams and they would feed me. i
watched every fear fly away with the turning of the strobe on a
glass ball. it was certain. it was a promise.
in 8th grade slow dancing
in a dusty gym. he was such a dick to me. i was so weird, so ugly. but
in the darkness when no one was looking. he loved me. he held me close
and silently swore at a distorted social order. he pulled my lips to his
ear and begged me to keep singing. and i was perfect. i knew every
lyric and every note. i sang just so. my hot breath on his ear. we spun
in a monotonous circle to the slow rhythm of desperado and he loved me.
She, there, in my sister's house hugged up to the corner of the
threshold. watching my world. even in a maze of tickling and
wrestling i couldn't hide my eyes. my adoration. sitting in a new day, sitting atop me eyes bright with memories. sharing her love, her
dreams. so radiant. the way she lifts her head to greet my
kiss.even my mom could see how much i adore her. My mom won't let
herself understand. But i could see her search. how she watches my
hands. i'm not scared anymore. i was afraid i'd put her away, like
angie, make her a pleasure's paradise. i watch my hands. they will never
hurt her like that. i know now. what i've touched, where i've
trespassed. i understand the gift. she likes swing sets too. that look. that frightens and excites all at once. a glimpse into knowing her
power. till she pulls it back. till she cloaks it, again. i can't
believe she wants to see this. she likes being dragged down to my world.
knowing i'd never ask her to decide. to choose. 'cause it wouldn't be
me. i am working my way under her skin. she is moving into my dreams. as
if. as if i could convince her. as if i could keep her. it's the hope creeping in. the underdog has too many disney movies, fuel
for the forlorn.
somehow i will be drunk, alone, in new york. the rain
will make me cry and i will open my face to the sky. rain drops on my lips and fingertips. and my body will ache with the memory of once knowing love.
she likes swing sets too.
No comments:
Post a Comment