Junior year

April 8, 2000 – at night on my couch avoiding a Philosophy paper that I never did do

She let out a long sigh
as she tried to put words to experiences
a whirl of a weekend
drained
she was drained but calling to console me
in my worried anxious state
all I had done was add to the burden her body felt
she asks me, do you know that yellow roses are a sign of friendship
red for passion
I had sent her both because I didn’t know exactly how I felt


I look at you and wonder what you see in me
passion in your eyes, but why
why do they adore me
how do I deserve this attention
I kiss you out of duty rather then desire
underlying fear smothers out passion
I can only be physical when I am drunk
I do things to satisfy you and cry when you leave
not because you are gone but because I am sober


My friend says I am searching for some lost piece
something was taken from me when I was little
she says that I think you have that piece
so I will travel miles
meet eat
and never find that piece
she says the answers inside me
not you


He says, you have these times when you’re quiet
why is that?
my reply – simple – I have nothing to say
or maybe I’ve slipped away
to some world
where I am finally free and beautiful
It is never equal
I either love too much and thus left for “too much”
or they love enough for two
their usefulness spent
cast aside for my next need
I have a boy
I will keep
I wonder what my motivation is
he looks at me so intensely
I like being a mystery
inside thoughts linger
he will meet the folks
so this summer
when I go dancing and flirt with girls
they will be reassured
that I am not gay
just drunk


I want to call you
let your voice set a trance
that relieves this pressure on my soul
to bleed
I want to escape these questions that burn
afraid answers will never come
I know I could stab myself right through my hand
I would enjoy the pain
dark hot enveloping
distracting from the questions that I can’t run from
anymore

You should run away
RIGHT NOW
run and never turn back
I only get uglier each layer the more you peel off
you will see to the heart of me
decaying writhing and dead
run

Shadows bounce on walls
flame flicker lick the wax slowly melts away to a core
golden glow warms
yet yields danger
warm and inviting
hot and trembling
touched and blistered
never to return again

I loathe myself
and so I worry that one day you will loathe me too
that you will see through whatever you have found
that was good
fruit that is rotten
***

staring back at my wake
all these pieces
I can’t exchange
choices beautiful
choices pain
I lost a lot back there
including you
I gained a lot through here
including her
I wouldn’t change a thing
‘cept I wonder about you
and your darkness
you always knew when I was crying

Aren’t we opposites
I bare my soul
you bare your body
if I want to see your soul
does that mean you want to see my body?